When an interview begins with the line: “Should we do it standing up or lying down?”, you know you’re going to be in for a naughty time.
So, we were very excited and more than a little bit apprehensive when JMU Journalism got to speak exclusively to Keith Lemon when he came to Liverpool to sign copies of his new book.
Speaking at a rapid pace, Keith talked about his love of Brookside’s Jacqui Dixon, what he would do if he was Prime Minister, and why he thinks Disney is not for kids.
As a much-loved television personality, Keith was voted in to the top 10 for a recent poll JMU Journalism conducted about who would make a good Prime Minister; managing to get nearly as many votes as David Cameron.
On discovering this, Keith told JMU Journalism: “That’s crazy. I don’t know anything about politics. I’d be a rubbish Prime Minister. I didn’t even know who he was when I met him on This Morning. I called him Tony Blair!
“If I was Prime Minister, I’d stop people clobbering seals to make handbags out of them. You don’t see it as much now, but I remember in 1989, you always saw seals on telly being clobbered. I felt horrible because they look so cute like little puppies but with fish tails. Don’t clobber seals, you naughty eskimos!”
Originally from Leeds, Keith admitted he doesn’t know much about Liverpool, but spoke of his love for Brookside, which celebrated its 30th anniversary this month.
He said: “I’d probably say my favourite thing about Liverpool is the once-soap opera that’s not on anymore, Brookside. Particularly Jacqui Dixon, who’s round about the same age as me – well, I’m probably a bit younger than her.
“I always remember on Brookside, she was always returning home in a shell suit, and had wet hair because she’d been swimming and she had a big Head bag – not a bag shaped like a head, but one of those Head sports bags. I was very fond of her and met her this year at the Soap Awards. I told her that I had love for her and it all went down quite well.”
Although originally a businessman, Keith is now most famous for his comedy panel show, Celebrity Juice, which features co-stars Fearne Cotton and Holly Willoughby. He told JMU Journalism that his favourite guest was his mum when she sat in the audience, and his worst guest was Katie Price.
On glamour model Katie Price, he said: “She builds up a wall, because she’s scared you’re gonna take the p*** out of her. I bet she’s a right good laugh when she’s at home, but on the show she’s a bit quiet, and if you’re going to be quiet it’s pointless being on.
“We don’t really have bad guests. I think, by now, everyone knows what it is and knows what they’re up for, so everyone enjoys it. It’s not a vindictive show. There’s no malice in Celebrity Juice. It’s all fun, and we give them plenty of booze to get them p***** up and have fun, so they forget they’re on telly.”
Even though Keith (in real-life Leigh Francis) now has a girlfriend, Rosie Parker, he is known for his admiration for women. He also extended this to mermaids but told JMU Journalism how sneaky he thought they were.
He said: “They’re all attractive, and that, when they come on land with their legs, and then you get in bath with them, and their legs turn to fish tails. So deceptive. You couldn’t trust one as far as you could throw them I don’t think.
“Why didn’t you tell me you had fish tails you lying cow?! That’s the dark undertones of Disney. There’s always a dark undertone of Disney. I like Disney but I don’t think it’s for kids. There’s dark messages all over the place. ‘Mirror, mirror who’s the fairest of them all?’ Not you… it’s this lass called Snow White. Right, let’s kill her!”
A published writer, having produced two books, ‘Being Keith’ and ‘Keith Lemon, The Rules: 69 Ways to be Successful’, Keith spoke of how he wanted to write a children’s book. He said: “It would be about an elephant and a beaver living together in London, and just doing mundane things, like buying shoes. An elephant buying shoes – that must be tricky.”
As tricky as that may be, interviewing Keith is in a different league. Seriously.
‘Being Keith’ is out now and available to buy at all good bookstores.